Huge congratulations to YOTB author Patty Chang Anker, whose memoir SOME NERVE was just named one of O Magazine’s ” 7 Powerful Memoirs to Kick Off the New Year.”
Way to go, Patty! You so deserve it.
Blocks
And we’re back…with some notes on Fear
Why hello there! I’m back from a (mostly) glorious six month maternity leave. In that time, I’ve doubled my number of children, done roughly 8 million loads of laundry, lost almost 40 pounds, and only taken Xanax once.
Yay me!
I’ve also (mostly) conquered my fear of being alone with all four of my children.
I learned quite a bit about fear when working with Patty Chang Anker, author of the newly-published SOME NERVE: Lessons Learned While Becoming Brave (Riverhead).
When Patty and I started working together last year, I didn’t know I was pregnant. Then I knew I was pregnant but had no idea I was expecting twins. Then I knew I was expecting twins but had no idea how terrified I would be the first time I was left to care for all of them, at the same time, with no other adults anywhere in sight.
Exactly a year after Patty’s manuscript deadline, I held up a glass of Prosecco in her honor at the SOME NERVE launch party. That evening, in line with her book’s message, Patty asked guests to take the #SOMENERVE challenge and write down their biggest fear on the back of a postcard.
I was so terrified of my fear, I couldn’t even write it down.
Having read every word of Patty’s manuscript, I knew too well that often the thing we are most afraid of is the very thing that will bring us the most joy.
But to get there, we have to face that fear. Over, and over, and over again.
And I’m so very thankful to say that every time I’m alone with two six-month-olds, a (newly) four-year-old and a five-year-old, it gets easier and easier slightly less terrifying.
Thank you, Patty, for facing the fear of writing — and the fear of being read — for you have left us all with a beautiful, inspiring gift that has the power to change people’s lives.
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To learn more about SOME NERVE and facing your fears, visit pattychanganker.com
And buy the book!
A reader asks: How should I deal with writing backseat drivers?
Today I received a reader question I just had to share with you.
This comes from an author who has published several books with major publishers. In other words, she knows what she’s doing.
She writes (edited to protect her privacy):
I call it the “You know what you should do?” syndrome. I ran into this with my last book.
I’d say I was working on a book. People would ask what it was about. I’d try out my elevator pitch on them to gauge reactions. Most friends would just give me an honest reaction (in that case, enthusiasm). Some would offer a helpful suggestion or two. And a handful would say, “You know what you should do?” and then proceed to tell me how to write my book.
I think it might be that there are some–okay, probably many–people out there who want to write books and, when they hear about someone else writing one, promptly become the writing equivalent of a backseat driver.
Their suggestions are many and not always in line with my plan for my book. This makes me feel like my idea’s not good, second guess myself, and not want to tell anybody what I’m doing!
Have you heard about this happening with other authors? And what’s your expert advice?
My advice about these book “visionaries” would be to consider them an informal (albeit uninvited) focus group. And just like every focus group, you take in all the feedback and draw your own conclusions.
The great part about getting feedback that makes you bristle is it solidifies YOUR vision for your book.
Kind of like when you ask your mom which dress you should wear, and she picks the blue dress. But that makes you realize you’re definitely wearing the green one.
So instead of making you feel lousy about your idea or second guess yourself, you could turn that around and silently thank that person for helping you know exactly what path you want to take.
Go green, baby, go green.
How about you? How do you deal with writing backseat drivers?
How to stop sounding like everybody else, part 1
Tonight I have the honor of speaking to the ladies over at Mamacoach Circle on the subject of “Tapping into your inner author.” One of the questions they sent over before our call is this:
“I love how you say on your website that by going deeper we stop sounding like everyone else. Can you say more about that? We notice so many coaches using the same language, even copying each other’s words.”
I love this question because so much of what I see on the web is so repetitive and copycat sounding it makes me itchy.
It reminds me of a strategy & content project my husband and I did for a multibillion dollar company. Working privately with our core client contact (we’d never embarrass a stakeholder in public), we gave her a quiz where we lifted different lines of copy from her company’s site along with two or three competitor’s sites. The copy ranged from how each company defined itself, what they did, and what made them different.
We asked our client to identify the source of each line (her company, or a competitor’s). She got bonus points for naming the competitor.
Impressively, our client got each question right. But she saw our point loud and clear. Everyone sounded like everyone else.
What if you ran the same test on your site copy? Are you objective enough, as our stakeholder was, to see what a potential client would see?
Stay tuned for Part 2, where I’ll offer up a list of specific ways to bring out your voice and distinguish yourself from everyone else.
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Want to join in on tonight’s teleclass (or get a recording of the call emailed to you)? Get details here.
What if this isn’t your “year of the book”?
The web is abuzz with prompts for 2013 planning. “Make this your best year ever!” everyone seems to be shouting. And every day I come across a new planning tool to help me do just that.
“Too bad I can’t do that,” I caught myself thinking.
Because you see, I’m pregnant — with twins.
I launched this business last May, and there’s still so much I want to do, so many tools and programs I want to create to help you write the book you were meant to write.
But knowing come June I’ll be back in newborn land — times two — I thought I had to sit the first half of the year on the sidelines, too.
Thankfully I’ve learned not to believe everything I think.
I recently wrote on my parenting blog about how this news of twins initially knocked me down physically and emotionally. But now that I’m feeling better, I’ve realized a few things.
- I can still make plans.
- I can still grow my business in 2013.
- I can still welcome the new clients who are showing up.
And most of all:
My goals are still the same, they just might take longer than I’d planned.
Maybe I’ll go crazy and indulge in one of those fun planning tools. And just like last year, I’ll come up with my guiding word for the year rather than making New Year’s resolutions.
But I’m not going to let myself feel left behind just because I’m not able to grow my business this year as much as I initially thought.
Maybe you’re in a similar situation — maybe life or business circumstances mean you won’t have the space you desperately want to write your book.
Trust that it will still be there for you, and that your life experience this next year will make it an even better book than if you’d written in now.
/ / / /
Writing prompt
Keep your hand in it
You may not be making the progress you’d hoped on your book. But instead of letting it keep you up at night with frustration, try this super simple trick:
- Start a new Google Doc
- Whenever you have a thought or want to make a note about the book you’ll eventually write, make the note.
- You may even want to date it, journal style.
There. Done.
You’ve captured your thought rather than hoping you remember it or pushing it away because “this isn’t the time.”
You’re slowly making progress instead of pushing the thought away.
This is creating with ease and flow.
And there’s nothing creativity loves like ease and flow.
What if it goes away? 4 ways to deal with the fear of not writing
“I’m on such a writing roll, I’m terrified to stop.”
I hear this from clients all the time.
And so it goes. We’re scared when we are writing, and we’re scared when we’re not.
Four ways to deal with the fear of not writing:
- First of all, keep writing. When in creation mode, by all means stay in creation mode. This means even if you have a pile of revisions waiting for you, or research that still needs to be done, save it.
- Have some faith. Whatever got you to this point of massive output is not going to suddenly disappear. It’s true we all have times when we are more productive than others, but we have to trust that ideas will always come, and that words will flow again.
- What’s the worst that can happen? Chances are that day will come when words. just. get. stuck. One of my favorite quotes on writing comes from Henry Miller’s 11 Commandments of Writing: When you can’t create, you can work. Remember those revisions and that research you put off before? There’s always plenty of writing-related work to do when you’re not in the writing flow.
- Find the benefit. To help quiet the fear of not being able to write, remember that all creatives need time to refill the well. This is why it’s perfectly acceptable for ad agency creatives to go to the movies or a museum during the day. Refilling the well for you might mean conducting a workshop (to gather more stories), taking on a new type of client, attending a conference, or, my fave, heading off to Kripalu for the weekend.
How do you deal with the fear of not writing?
Is your writing process haunted?
Are ghosts and goblins lurking around your keyboard, preventing you from writing the truth?
What will my mother say when she reads this?
Are witches waiting to pounce on your every word?
Will my peers think I’m an imposter?
Are spiders hiding in dark corners, waiting to crawl on you the moment you’re not looking?
I can’t tell that story. It’s just too personal.
Are ghosts from the past paralyzing your future?
I can never live up to the success of my last book/program/workshop.
Well, then.
Invite these ghouls and goblins over for a cup of tea. Let them say everything they have to say. All of it.
Are they right? Do they have valid points? Maybe, perhaps. But are you really going to let them stop you for finding out for sure?
You have let them speak, now thank them and send them on their way.
And if that doesn’t work?
When life throws you a curveball
Getting the flu. 
Receiving unexpected news that rocks your world.
Recovering from a soul fever.
Taking extra time with children who are having a hard time.
A family member in crisis.
All kinds of things crop up that can throw us off our game, obliterate our energy and leave us feeling as though we’ve been through a hurricane. That’s where I’ve been the past couple of weeks, and found comfort in this post from Visionary Mom Lisa Work.
Lisa writes,
It’s okay to go slow sometimes. It’s okay to take a break from working hard on your dreams. It’s okay to just take baby steps each and every day.
It’s okay to fall behind and feel like you don’t have it all together.
Your dreams, they are still there, waiting for you. As soon as you are ready, they will be too. They aren’t going anywhere.
In moments when I feel frustrated that I’m not moving as quickly as I want due to external circumstances, it’s so helpful to step back and be thankful for the vision I have. Even if it takes more time than I’d like, I have the vision. I’ve done the work.
The same is true for you and your writing. It will be there, waiting for you. And hopefully whatever fire you’re walking through will serve it well.
We cannot do our best work when we’re not getting the support we need
I had to make a tough decision this past summer.
It was about the babysitter we’d had for the past two years. On so many levels, she was fantastic. She was a trusted sitter in our town, she loved my boys, and she made it her mission to run them like crazy so they slept well at night.
For two years, she came once a week. But this year, with the boys out of daycare and me launching a new business, I needed her more. She started coming three days a week, and that’s when I realized she wasn’t a great fit for us anymore.
Things would set me off (last minute changes to our schedule, coming home to a messy house) but I’d push those thoughts away, thinking how thankful I should be that my boys had fun all day and that they were safe.
More and more, little annoyances became major sources of frustration and anxiety for me. My husband said I should be thankful that the boys had fun all day and that they were safe.
I knew the situation wasn’t right, but I felt guilty for wanting more.
I tried leaving the sitter notes and reminders, and reviewing our schedules in advance to avoid last minute changes. But the situation did not improve. After I missed a client meeting due to another scheduling mishap, I knew I had to make a change.
And once I made that change, everything shifted.
We now have a babysitter who supports me and my boys. Everyone is calm and happy. I come home to a sparkling house. The boys’ beds are made and their hair is brushed (two things that often don’t happen in our house!). Getting out of the house in the morning is a completely different experience — because the sitter is calm, the boys are calm, and everything just flows.
Here’s the thing:
We cannot do our best work when we’re not getting the support we need.
I’m seeing it over and over with my coaching clients — moms who are exhausted, trying to do it all, holding on to old arrangements that so don’t fit anymore.
And when we’re in the thick of it, figuring out how to change it can be more overwhelming than just tolerating it a little longer.
So try this
Start to see the solution.
Once you can see it, take one small step.
What will your small step be?
Writing and learning how to improvise (and an exercise)
I started playing the violin when I was four years old. When I moved to New York in my 20’s, I had the honor of studying privately with Julie Lyonn Lieberman, a gifted teacher who specialized in teaching classical violinists how to improvise.
We started out with the circle of fifths, which felt like learning the ABCs for the first time. We moved on to Irish folk songs (the foundation of blues), then blues, then Jazz.
Eventually I was playing with a “dreamy rock band” called Edison Woods and performing at places like The Knitting Factory, Joe’s Pub and La Sala Rosa. And recording this album (check out track 8). Here’s us circa 2003 in Williamsburg. So serious!
Learning how to improvise is about working through fear.
It takes a ridiculous amount of bravery to express music without a script, in real time and in front of your bandmates and audience (Joe’s Pub!).
And for me, it meant learning to trust that there was music inside of me at all.
When I would show up for my weekly lessons at my teacher’s Upper West Side studio, I was full of work stress (late-90’s advertising), most likely hungover (late-90’s advertising), and obsessed with boy drama (late-90’s advertising). I was lucky she let me keep coming.
One particular lesson that still stands out to me today is this:
The quality of your music begins before you even lift your violin to your shoulder.
One day, Julie asked me to pick up my violin and start playing. Then stop and put the instrument down.
Next, she said to think about my lower back, then lift the violin and bow into position, and start playing.
Over
and over
and over.
The shift in the quality of sound was unmistakable when I paid attention to my lower back.
I didn’t really get it then, but now I do: By thinking about my lower back, I was creating an intention about my music before the vibration of the strings began.
Writing Warm-Up:
What are you bringing to the keyboard today?
Are your fingers thinking they should really be washing the dinner dishes? Are they shaky from stress or indecision? Are they insecure about what is going to come out today? Are they too wrapped up in how long it’s been since they last touched the keys for something that really mattered? Are they impatient?
Stop. Breathe. Light a candle or drink a glass of water. Find a ritual that works for you.
Let go of what happened before and what might come after.
Good.
Now put your hands in your lap. Take a breath. Think about your lower back as you lift your arms to your keyboard.
Do it again a few times.
Good.
Now start improvising.