I had to make a tough decision this past summer.
It was about the babysitter we’d had for the past two years. On so many levels, she was fantastic. She was a trusted sitter in our town, she loved my boys, and she made it her mission to run them like crazy so they slept well at night.
For two years, she came once a week. But this year, with the boys out of daycare and me launching a new business, I needed her more. She started coming three days a week, and that’s when I realized she wasn’t a great fit for us anymore.
Things would set me off (last minute changes to our schedule, coming home to a messy house) but I’d push those thoughts away, thinking how thankful I should be that my boys had fun all day and that they were safe.
More and more, little annoyances became major sources of frustration and anxiety for me. My husband said I should be thankful that the boys had fun all day and that they were safe.
I knew the situation wasn’t right, but I felt guilty for wanting more.
I tried leaving the sitter notes and reminders, and reviewing our schedules in advance to avoid last minute changes. But the situation did not improve. After I missed a client meeting due to another scheduling mishap, I knew I had to make a change.
And once I made that change, everything shifted.
We now have a babysitter who supports me and my boys. Everyone is calm and happy. I come home to a sparkling house. The boys’ beds are made and their hair is brushed (two things that often don’t happen in our house!). Getting out of the house in the morning is a completely different experience — because the sitter is calm, the boys are calm, and everything just flows.
Here’s the thing:
We cannot do our best work when we’re not getting the support we need.
I’m seeing it over and over with my coaching clients — moms who are exhausted, trying to do it all, holding on to old arrangements that so don’t fit anymore.
And when we’re in the thick of it, figuring out how to change it can be more overwhelming than just tolerating it a little longer.
So try this
Start to see the solution.
Once you can see it, take one small step.
What will your small step be?
Amen, sister! My A-ha moment was when I decided to stop being a martyr and get an au Pair. She’s arriving in less than a month. I feel calmer already. My girls don’t get my best attention either when I’m juggling too much. Now they’ll have a Spanish “big sister,” like Dora the Explorer!
Glad you found a great sitter and that she supports mini-date nights.
Jen, that’s such good news about your Au Pair. And I love that she’s from Spain! So perfect for you guys. Just think how much better mornings will be….xo
“I knew the situation wasn’t right, but I felt guilty for wanting more.” Love this wake-up call – that it’s ok to want more and take small steps to get there. Inspiring!
Small steps, yes!
Can’t agree more! So many parents feel like if we admit we can’t do it all, something’s wrong with us.
Hi, my name is Britta, and I can’t do it all.
“I knew the situation wasn’t right, but I felt guilty for wanting more.”
Hi Britta. I’m new here. I’m part of Hannah’s Mama Circle and came here from Hannah’s blog and this was exactly what I came to conclusion today. I’ve been making space in my life for the work I want do in the world and even though I have found pre-school for my little girl, I couldn’t get myself to admit that I wanted more. I felt selfish or something like that.
Thank you for putting words into what I had a hard time articulating to myself!
And yes. My name is Vina and I can’t do it all!
Such excellent advice! I do have a question though. What about when you’re in the catch-22 of not having money (literally not being able to squeeze anything more out) to afford a mother’s helper. I know I need it so that I can really focus on making my design business thrive but I don’t bring in enough to make it happen. Yet. I’ve considered exchanging watching kids but 1) I don’t really know other moms in the area and 2) I am not a fan of babysitting – seriously not a fan. What to do… Staying exhausted for now.